I have to wonder

what was wrong with me.

but meanwhile,

two states away,

she gets to slot a new guy

into the space

I once occupied in her life.

And me?

I have—

a mess.

Picture it,

December:

We are planning a trip to Disney.

Now it’s February:

she’s going on a date 

with another guy.

I’m being told

we were only ever friends. 

Blindsided,

I lost the woman I thought

I would spend the rest of my life with

And she got

a new guy.

I don’t know his name.

When I was losing her,

I knew that wasn’t any

of my damn business.

But some nights,

when I am lying awake

too angry to sleep

I can’t help but wonder:

What made him better?

It’s been a month now.

I’ve processed enough

to understand—cognitively—that I dodged a bullet.

But who she ended up being,

is not the girl I thought I knew.

The girl I thought I knew was my ride or die.

And I fucking miss her.